From the monthly archives:

January 2004

All Aboard the SS Miscellany

01.29.2004

I’m feeling a bit random today, and luckily the random absurdity has been piling up. I saw the sign pictured above during a recent visit to UNC Hospitals. I thought it was a bit zen for a traditional western medicine establishment. (Actually, I first noticed “Remember 3C” and thought, “There must be a ‘Remember 2B,’” [...]

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Pet Smarts

01.28.2004

After five years I have come to the conclusion that, as sweet as he is, Hastings is not the sharpest flea comb in the drawer. Let’s just say it’s a good thing he’s domesticated. As with most cats, he is primarily concerned with eating, napping, parasitically sucking up body heat, and chasing imaginary rodents. He [...]

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Ooh, Shiny

01.27.2004

A few weeks ago, Jean came over for dinner and gave the hairy eyeball to my stove, which I’m assuming has been here since 1978 when the house was built. At first I was confused because I thought it was pretty clean, and not just by my pathetically lenient standards. “You know you can get [...]

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Baby, It's Cold Outside

01.26.2004

I set out Sunday morning in the snow with the promise of freedom toast and a kind word. I turned around and came home ten minutes later after discovering three things: 1. Plooblewagon’s boy-racer low-profile tires love dry pavement, but they get all confused and belligerent when they encounter anything slippy. 2. The vast majority [...]

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Roar

01.22.2004

White tigers have been in the news a lot lately, and not just because one of them tried to make a sequined canapé out of either Siegfried or Roy. (Like I care which one.) An Argentinean tiger recently gave birth to sextuplets in the Buenos Aires zoo, for instance. There’s so much tiger talk that [...]

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Faking It

01.20.2004

original photo Luke Frazza/AFP When Time Warner Cable announced they would be adding BBC America, I could hardly contain my excitement. I’ve been a huge Anglophile since I was ten years old, and my favorite shows have almost always been British – especially British mysteries. My cat, for instance, is named for Hercule Poirot’s sidekick. [...]

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Dave Thomas Is Getting A Chance To Do Something Like This

01.15.2004

My name is Dave Thomas. It doesn’t matter if I introduce myself as David Thomas or David B. Thomas, I still get, “Huh, like the founder of Wendy’s?” As if it might have escaped my attention. (It used to be one in ten people said, “Like the guy from SCTV?” and I usually liked those [...]

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I Wore a Suit Today, Oh Boy

01.13.2004

If I were given the choice between opening a door marked “All-Day Meeting,” or another one marked “Five Minutes of Root Canal,” I would stop and think hard for a moment and then say, “This is a stupid metaphor.” If it’s even a metaphor. I know it’s not a simile. Or an analogy. Maybe it’s [...]

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I've Served My Time in Hell

01.12.2004

Mark holding court in Hell – photo by Primo I’m sure you’re all readers of Maxim magazine, if not subscribers, so you already know that my favorite bar, Hell, was awarded “Bar o’ the Month” in the January issue. Since I love the bar and all who sail within in her, I will pretend that [...]

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Meatwad

01.08.2004

One of the problems with exposing myself to reality TV is that I also expose myself to TV commericials, and I will buy anything anyone tells me to. As a result, I found myself on Wednesday driving about 20 minutes round trip to pick up a Hardee’s Low Carb Thickburger. “How did they make a [...]

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