Essential Truths: Microwave Popcorn

2004.07.01

in Everything I Do Is Plooble

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1. Microwave popcorn is never as good as you think it will be.

2. No matter how many times you learn this lesson, you are still capable of deceiving yourself.

3. You will cook it for too long, because you are a greedy bastard and want every last kernel.

4. You will burn it.

5. You will eat it anyway. All of it. Even the burned bits. You will upend the bag over your mouth and get popcorn grit all over your clothes.

6. When you are done, you will feel:
a. kind of sick
b. very thirsty
c. greasy

7. You’ll need to wash your hands like Lady Macbeth to get that “butter” off.

8. You will be forced to endure the smell in your office for the rest of the day.

9. Despite the fact that your co-workers know all of the above to be true, the smell will entice them to make their own, starting a chain reaction that could conceivably go on all afternoon.

10. Microwave popcorn should be prohibited in offices, like smoking. There should be microwave ovens outside the front door for people who are addicted.

  • pbbbbb

    Amen.

    Actually, #10 is not so far-fetched. I’ve encountered environments where it’s frowned on.

    At home, my ’80s-vintage air popper still rules. Any butter found on my popcorn is the real thing.

  • http://archerpelican.typepad.com Phil

    When I used to work summers at the Duke Medical Center, I found that people frowned on me microwaving my Filipino fish & vinegar lunches.

    I do plain popcorn on the stovetop with canola oil, and it works out OK as long as I meditate for a minute beforehand so as to avoid the “greedy bastard” trap #3. Morton’s popcorn salt is nice and finely ground — great for homemade.

    I wonder if DBT’s office loses points with its health care insurer for all the calories on the groaning board?

  • http://www.unc.edu/~fergusje/blog jean

    i wonder if dbt’s office health care insurance provider is aware of the snack table. or is it ‘cleaned up’ for blue cross/blue shield impromptu visits?

  • http://http://home.earthlink.net/~christa.wessel/blog.html christa

    after years of dissatisfaction with microwave popcorn, i’ve gone back to making it on the stove, too. though instead of canola oil (or anything even remotely healthy like that) i use bacon grease.

    Best. Popcorn. EVER. the first theater to start selling bacon grease popcorn is going to make a gazillion dollars.

  • http://rebecky.com rebecca

    1) Christa is a genius.

    2) One time this girl burned microwave popcorn in our office kitchenette. Nobody talked to her for weeks.

  • http://jdwilbur.org/weblog jesse

    There is something amiss with the texture of microwave popcorn – I think it has to do with how light and airy it is. Too dry. Like little pieces of cotton, covered with salt and gritty butter substitute. I like mine wet with clarified butter, dense, and slippery so it slides down your throat.

  • http://www.betsuni.net/adda Adda

    1. Microwaved fish should be banned alongside popcorn in the workplace.
    2. I am totally going to eat a couple kilos of bacon grease popcorn for dinner tonight.
    3. There is a movie theatre in iceland where you can eat as much popcorn and coke as you want. It costs extra, but you get a big leather recliner to sit in, assumedly to accomodate the extra bulk you will put on by eating and drinking your weight over the course of 2 hours. I ate 4 bags and drank 3 cokes during Starsky and Hutch.

  • http://pinkplaidface.blogspot.com pinky

    Microwave popcorn should be made illegal, unless they can create a completely scentless or non-combustible version. I’ve worked in many an office where the popping started promptly at eight am. Ugh.

  • http://www.wemissplooble.com helllooooo

    august is approaching. don’t let popcorn be the only thing you’re known for in july.

  • http://archerpelican.typepad.com Phil

    At Urban Ministries of Durham, they have boxes upon boxes of microwaveable pork rinds. Overcooked, they smell like burnt rubber that will not die.

  • Puddin

    Try this:

    Buy some brown paper lunch bags. Take a bag and place about a tablespoon of raw popcorn (and nothing else)within.

    Fold the bag closed, lay it in the micrwave and set the timer for about 3 minutes.

    Start it up and listen for slowed popping so as not to burn.

    Save all unpopped kernals for repopping later.

    Here is a good, healthy snack with no oils or fats. The only problem is that salt doesn’t cling to it at all.

  • Robinovic

    I just came home – my oddball redenbacher box was opened – one bag gone – put the second one in – pressed popcorn on my way overpriced Dacor microwave – house stunk of burnt popcorn – put it on back porch for local cat – grabbed next bag – didn’t use popcorn button, instead went for 4 minutes – was popping nice – at 3:50 I pressed the extra minute button – at 4:30 I stopped it – cats now have two bags and house stinks even worse!

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