When I was 16 I had one of these, but not one of those
I’ve been reading car magazines almost as long as I’ve been able to read. Those of you who don’t care about cars probably think that car prose consists of nothing but limited slip difs and caster and camber and whatnot. Yeah, there’s a lot of that, but the best automotive journalism can be pretty damn good. For instance, long before I knew him as a Republican Limbaugh-apologist, I eagerly awaited each new article P.J. O’Rourke published in Car & Driver. His piece entitled “High Speed Performance Characteristics of Pickup Trucks is a classic.
“What happens to an unloaded pickup truck in a curve is that the rear end has nothing to do – is unemployed, metaphorically speaking – so it comes around to ask you for work, up there in the front of the truck where all the weight is. And the result is exactly like one of those revolving restaurants that they have on hotels except it’s on four bald snow tires instead of a hotel, and it’s in the middle of the highway, and it tips over”
Plus, he once wrote a piece about driving in England that taught me the most valuable piece of information one could have when trying to navigate the wrong side of the road. Think of yourself as a well-dressed socialist, he advised, and say to yourself, “Keep left, look right” I’m barely exaggerating when I say P.J. O’Rourke may have saved my life.
My current favorite automotive magazine is Car, published in England. In addition to great photos and great writing and columns by comedian Alexei Sayle, they have capsule reviews and specs of every car for sale in the UK, which I’m sure is incredibly useful for settling pub arguments and planning your next purchase. But some of them are also extremely funny. Here are a few of my favorites:
BMW 7-Series
For: Clever
Against: Too clever by half
Sum up: Cyborg killer limo, feels neither pity nor remorse
Hyundai Tiburon
For: Nice to drive, cheap, great V6 engine
Against: Crappy cabin
Sum up: Greatest Korean car. Ever.
Jeep Grand Cherokee
For: Big, solid, well-equipped
Against: Slightly overspecced for shopping in Twickenham
Sum up: Ironic not iconic
Kia Rio
For: She dances in the sand
Against: Like a river twisting through a dusty land
Sum up: And when she shines…
Land Rover Defender
For: Still unparalleled in the bog
Against: Panel gaps visible from space
Sum up: A true British icon
Peugeot 807
For: It takes the whole family
Against: They won’t want to be seen in it
Sum up: It’s a bus
Seat Arosa
For: Sounds like a sex toy
Against: Vibrates like a sex toy
Sum up: Avoid the 1.0 litre
Volkswagen Beetle
For: It’s a joke
Against: It’s on you
Sum up: Fashion is a fickle thing